Saucery
by Random Ruth
Summary: Gaius' mispronunciation of sorcery as 'saucery' nearly lands Merlin in deep trouble, so Uther suggests he get elocution lessons. As expected, it does not end all that well. One-shot.


**Author's Note:** Bless Richard Wilson; he can't pronounce 'sorcery'. And so here we have a Gaius-centric story revolving around 'saucery'. It was really fun to write and I hope you enjoy it too. :)

* * *

><p><strong>Saucery<strong>

Camelot had always been well known for its extravagant banquets, and this one was no exception. Uther was at the centre of the royal table, Arthur at his right and Morgana on his left. Lords, ladies and members of the court were sat at long tables that ran for the length of the hall. Servants were hovering at the edges of the room. On the tables, a varied assortment of fruits, vegetables and meats. Most of the food had already been devoured, and only the slowest of eaters still had food on their plates.

The room was constantly humming with the sounds of conversation. With an already overstuffed belly, Uther was keeping uncharacteristically quiet. On either side of him, Arthur and Morgana must have been feeling much the same as they too were keeping quiet, only talking if asked a question by one of the nobles or if they were asking a servant for more water.

Uther lay back into his chair, regretting that final pork rib. He desperately wanted to loosen his leather belt, but in order to keep his dignity intact he decided against it. Instead, he contented himself with listening to conversations going on around him.

Gaius was sitting over an empty plate and talking to Geoffrey who still had some mutton on his own plate. Uther watched as Geoffrey asked a question to Gaius. The physician's voice was slightly louder than Geoffrey's, but Uther managed to catch only two words of Gaius' answer.

"Merlin... saucerer..." he said to Geoffrey, nodding his head towards one of the servants – it looked like Arthur's one – that was hovering just behind them.

"What?" Uther spluttered. He stood, face thunderous, and rounded on Gaius.

Looking shocked at Uther's sudden outburst, Gaius clarified: "I said Merlin is the saucerer, sire."

To be honest, Uther wasn't surprised by the news. He'd been suspicious of Merlin for some time, and this was all the confirmation he needed. "_You!_" he shouted at one of the guards standing behind him. "Take that sorcerer to the dungeons!" He pointed at Merlin.

"_What?_" Merlin squeaked, dropping the jug he was holding to the floor as two guards grabbed onto each arm. Uther didn't even register the contents of the jug as it spilled onto the floor. One of the female servants scurried over and began to mop the liquid up.

"Wait a minute! _Merlin_? I don't think Merlin's a sorcerer, father." Roused out of his satisfied doze by the commotion, Arthur stood up in defence of his servant.

"I didn't say that Merlin _was_ a saucerer, sire," added Gaius. He was standing too now, and Uther was painfully aware of how much attention their display of justice was gathering.

"Explain yourself, physician," Uther demanded in a no-nonsense tone.

Gaius swallowed. "Merlin was holding the sauce," he said. "Geoffrey asked me who the saucerer was, since he does like plenty of sauce on his mutton. I told him that Merlin was the saucerer. This is all a big misunderstanding..."

"You're sure?"

"Positive." He nodded.

"Let him go," Uther said to the guards, waving a gloved hand at them. They obeyed immediately. "Apologies," he mumbled in Merlin's general direction. He sat back down, drank some water in the hope of hiding his embarrassment. Everyone who had been standing began to sit down again and conversations resumed from where they left off.

Arthur was the last to sit down.

"You'd better give Geoffrey his sauce," he said to Merlin, with a little snigger.

* * *

><p>Merlin walked home quickly, Gaius following a little way behind and feeling sorry for himself.<p>

"Sorry, Merlin," he said honestly as he closed the door to their chambers behind them. Merlin was already on the other side of the room.

He turned around, arms flapping by his sides for a moment in exasperation. "I'm never being the saucerer again – at least not when _you're_ there," he said. "I could have been killed and Albion would never be united and Arthur would never be King and I..." He trailed off and sighed.

"Need sleep?" offered Gaius.

"Yes, I do." He turned around and plodded up the steps and into his room. He closed the door behind him. "Goodnight, Gaius."

"Goodnight, Merlin."

Gaius decided to content himself by mixing up a few extra remedies. He was adding a dash of sheep's brain to a rather nasty concoction for insect bites when someone knocked on his door. He set down the mixing bowl and went to see who was there.

"Sire?"

It was King Uther. He stayed standing in the doorway.

"I wish to speak with you in private," he said quietly. He glanced around the room. "Will here be suitable?"

Gaius nodded. "Merlin's asleep, so here shall be fine."

He entered and closed the door behind him. "I... um..." He paused, trying to find the right words, something which didn't happen often. Gaius mentally flinched. Uther took a deep breath. "About what happened this evening. Your pronunciation of 'sorcery' needs to be addressed. It's a cause of much confusion in the court."

"There isn't much I can do about the way I speak, sire."

"But what if you were to have... elocution lessons?" Uther suggested.

"I'm an old man, set in my ways..." Gaius began in the hope that Uther would drop it. He didn't.

"I'm glad you agree with me on this, Gaius," Uther smiled. "It is a weight off my shoulders. Does tomorrow morning after your rounds suit?"

"But—"

"Good. She'll see you then."

He left then, and Gaius had to admit that Uther did look a little happier.

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><p>"Elocution lessons?"<p>

"Yes."

"Uther is making you have elocution lessons?" Merlin asked again, spoon still in hand. Gaius took another spoonful of his own porridge before answering.

"Yes. It's not funny."

"It is," Merlin beamed. He ate some more of his porridge while trying not to giggle. He failed and started guffawing. Gaius sighed into his porridge. He really wasn't looking forward to his elocution lesson.

"Merlin!" called a voice from the corridor outside, unmistakeably Prince Arthur's.

Merlin muttered something about a 'stupid hunt' to Gaius. "Coming!" Merlin shouted. When he was halfway to the door, he started to laugh again.

Gaius turned around in his chair. "Merlin?" he asked.

"Yes?" He wiped some tears from his eyes.

"Shut up."

* * *

><p>Gaius finished his morning rounds in good time, which ruined his chances of being late and missing his lesson. Faced with no choice, he marched home and waited. It wasn't long before someone knocked.<p>

When he answered the door, a blonde woman was standing there. She smiled at him, the crow's feet around her eyes deepening. "Hello, you must be Gaius. I'm Helen." She shook his hand.

"Morning, Helen," Gaius said.

"Oh, I do love to hear manners from a man," she said. "Manners seem lost on the newest generation, don't they?"

Gaius shrugged. "I suppose." They both stared at each other for a moment. "Come in," he said.

Helen walked past him and sat down on one side of the breakfast table. She straightened her brown dress over her knees while Gaius sat down opposite her with two cups and a jug.

"That's enough chit-chat," said Helen. "Down to business. King Uther informs me that you have a speech problem."

"I wouldn't call it that..." Gaius began, but he was mostly ignored.

"The King was adamant about it. Let's sit down and I'll see what I can do."

Gaius' last attempt to delay the inevitable didn't work. "Water?"

"No, thanks," she replied. Gaius nodded and poured himself some. "Can you say 'sorcerer' for me?"

"Saucerer," Gaius said.

Helen broke the word down into chunks. "Source-er-er."

"Sauce-er-er."

She tried again. "Source-er-er."

"So-orce-er-er."

"That's it!" Helen exclaimed, smiling. "Say it a little faster now."

"Saucerer."

Her smile faded. "Let's break it down. Sor."

"Sor."

"Cer."

"Cer."

"Er."

"Er."

"Sorcerer."

"Saucerer."

She looked at the table for a moment. "...Alright." She looked up. "Let's try the other problem word."

"There's another?" Gaius asked innocently, taking a sip of water.

"You know there is," said Helen knowingly. "Say 'sorcery'."

"Saucery."

"And now we break it down."

"This is redic—" He was cut off.

She puckered her lips as she said, "Sor."

"Sor."

"Cer."

"Cer."

"Ee."

"Ee."

"Sor-cer-y," she tried.

"Saucery."

Helen bit her lip. "I think I'll have some water now if you don't mind."

* * *

><p>The doors to the council chambers opened and closed.<p>

"Ah, Gaius. How did your first lesson go?" Uther said with a glace upwards at his court physician. He went back to his forms.

"First?" Gaius spluttered as he approached.

"Well, I suppose that depends on what you say now."

Gaius reached Uther's end of the table, clasped his hands together and took a deep breath. "Saw... Sorrcery."

"Nearly."

"Sorcery," Gaius managed with great effort on his part.

"Gaius!" Uther grinned up at him. "I am impressed. All that from one lesson! Helen is a miracle-worker." He looked down again.

"Thank you, sire," Gaius nodded. "I can say 'saucerer' as well now." He cleared his throat and hurriedly went on, "I mean, sorrcerer... sorcerer."

"Good."

"So...?"

"So?" asked Uther, unsure of the question.

"Will that be my final lesson?" asked Gaius, looking at Uther expectantly.

Uther opened his mouth to say 'no', but he looked up and caved when he saw Gaius' pleading look. "Yes... yes. I suppose so. Helen has done her job correctly."

* * *

><p><em>Two months later...<em>

Members of the court and some of the knights were gathered in the council chambers. Uther was sitting on his throne. Arthur was standing with his servant behind him. Gaius had called everyone together and was in the process of explaining a new threat to the safety of Camelot.

"Who has told us of this creature, Gaius?" Uther asked.

"An anonymous person, sire," Gaius replied. "Though I'm certain that he or she is the responsible saucerer."

Arthur stared. Merlin grimaced. Morgana looked at the floor.

Uther said, choosing to ignore it, "Thank you for telling me, Gaius."


End file.
